Giving up....

I have not uttered the words "I give up" since starting this cancer journey. There have been many hard days when that would have been the easy thing to do. But today, when I am so close to the end, I really want to give up.

I started radiation two weeks ago. So I am now 11 treatments in. The first week was a breeze! Well, other than my almost complete melt down over being strapped to the table by my head. But it doesn't last long each day, and the side effects where minimal.

Well... that was until the end of last week. I started to get a sore throat from the treatment. By Friday night I could barely swallow. It is now Monday night and I haven't eaten a real meal since Friday. Heck, it's been a good diet plan, I have lost 6 lbs since Thursday. But I am so tired of not being able to eat or drink! I have never had any case of strep throat be this painful, and I have had some serious cases before.

I still have two more weeks of treatment. And there is no end in sight for the sore throat until it's all done. I am truly contemplating giving up for the first time! I would rather go through child birth or even another chemo than this crap! I really want to ask the oncologist if there is any way to cut the treatments down by a few just so I can enjoy Christmas with my family. Doubt that will happen. But here is to hoping!

I know I can't give up.... But it is tempting.

Stressing out....

Today is day one of radiation. To say I'm stressing out about it is an understatement! I am claustrophobic, so the mask I have to wear is a big problem for me. I am not really worried about the radiation itself, although maybe I should be. We had a "trial run" last week and I had to be on the radiation table for almost 45 minutes! I almost lost my mind a few times! Today should only last about 10 minutes, so it is nothing in comparison. I have been trying to figure out a way to calm myself down, reduce my anxiety while I have the mask on. Everyone tells me to take deep breaths and relax. Of course neither of those are easy while your face is squished in a mask and you can move. But I am going to try! The doctor gave me anxiety meds, but I can't take them and still function. I can't be all doped up and still go to work after treatment. So here goes nothing! Fingers crossed that it goes quickly.