Struggles

I really didn't want this blog to be a place to complain. But the only time I have felt like blogging lately is times like now. It's 2 am and I can't sleep because I am mad, upset, or just plain frustrated. Tonight I am feeling ridiculous and vain....
I am having a rough time dealing with the radiation burns on my neck and chest. They look terrible, or at least I think they do. Most days I don't really give a rats ass about what other people think, and I have gotten used to the stares from having no hair. But today was different. The skin on my neck and chest is turning brown, peeling off, and just looks plain gross. I have to keep an ointment on it to keep it semi moist or it hurts like hell. Of course the ointment is shiny and boast " look at me"! I have had so many customers at work ask about it over the last couple days, and we went out tonight and there was more staring.
I know it is vain and ridiculous of me to be all worked up over something I have no control over. And Mark's fave line is "who gives a shit what people think?". And again, most days I don't care. I have become used to it, I guess. But TODAY I care. TODAY I am vain. TODAY I want to look like my normal self again. I want normal skin, and normal hair, and to feel pretty again. TODAY I want to wake up from this bad dream and cancer bull shit and want my normal boring ass life back!!!!