I have not uttered the words "I give up" since starting this cancer journey. There have been many hard days when that would have been the easy thing to do. But today, when I am so close to the end, I really want to give up.
I started radiation two weeks ago. So I am now 11 treatments in. The first week was a breeze! Well, other than my almost complete melt down over being strapped to the table by my head. But it doesn't last long each day, and the side effects where minimal.
Well... that was until the end of last week. I started to get a sore throat from the treatment. By Friday night I could barely swallow. It is now Monday night and I haven't eaten a real meal since Friday. Heck, it's been a good diet plan, I have lost 6 lbs since Thursday. But I am so tired of not being able to eat or drink! I have never had any case of strep throat be this painful, and I have had some serious cases before.
I still have two more weeks of treatment. And there is no end in sight for the sore throat until it's all done. I am truly contemplating giving up for the first time! I would rather go through child birth or even another chemo than this crap! I really want to ask the oncologist if there is any way to cut the treatments down by a few just so I can enjoy Christmas with my family. Doubt that will happen. But here is to hoping!
I know I can't give up.... But it is tempting.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Monday, December 2, 2013
Stressing out....
Today is day one of radiation. To say I'm stressing out about it is an understatement! I am claustrophobic, so the mask I have to wear is a big problem for me. I am not really worried about the radiation itself, although maybe I should be. We had a "trial run" last week and I had to be on the radiation table for almost 45 minutes! I almost lost my mind a few times! Today should only last about 10 minutes, so it is nothing in comparison. I have been trying to figure out a way to calm myself down, reduce my anxiety while I have the mask on. Everyone tells me to take deep breaths and relax. Of course neither of those are easy while your face is squished in a mask and you can move. But I am going to try! The doctor gave me anxiety meds, but I can't take them and still function. I can't be all doped up and still go to work after treatment. So here goes nothing! Fingers crossed that it goes quickly.
Friday, November 29, 2013
A day to be thankful...
Happy Thanksgiving! I figured I would take a few minutes and get in on the "I am thankful for" bandwagon, although I may be a little late.
It was pointed out to me a couple days ago, by a customer at work, that the only thing I would probably be thankful for this year was that the year was almost over. I smiled and nodded, and then what they said actually sank in. Once the shock wore off, I made sure they knew I had more than enough to be thankful for! So here is a list... In no particular order ;-)
- Mark - Where do I start! This man has been my rock! He has been there for me now matter how crazy and bitchy I have been. And I promise, I have had my crazy moments! He has stepped up and helped with Jai, and helped around the house. Not that he didn't cook before, but he cooked almost every night for 2 months, lol. He always knows if I am having a bad day and lets me know it's ok to have bad days. And when I do have those days, he does anything he can to make it better and help me through it.
- My Family - I have such and amazing family! They have all come together to be a support system for me. They have been chauffeurs, housekeepers, cooks, and even babysitters. I never went to a doctors appointment by myself, unless I wanted to. Matter of fact, I had to spread out my appts between them because everyone wanted to help! They even went as far as to set up a benefit garage sale to help me pay some of my medical bills! They gathered up stuff for days!! We even have enough stuff left over to have another sale!
- My Friends - I have awesome friends! They have been there every step of the way, from organizing fundraisers to shaving their heads!!! They are always there and ready to do anything they can to help, or to just lend an ear if I need it.
So I do know that I have SO much to be thankful for! Maybe having cancer isn't something you are actually thankful for, but it does make you truly appreciate everything that you do have.
It was pointed out to me a couple days ago, by a customer at work, that the only thing I would probably be thankful for this year was that the year was almost over. I smiled and nodded, and then what they said actually sank in. Once the shock wore off, I made sure they knew I had more than enough to be thankful for! So here is a list... In no particular order ;-)
- Mark - Where do I start! This man has been my rock! He has been there for me now matter how crazy and bitchy I have been. And I promise, I have had my crazy moments! He has stepped up and helped with Jai, and helped around the house. Not that he didn't cook before, but he cooked almost every night for 2 months, lol. He always knows if I am having a bad day and lets me know it's ok to have bad days. And when I do have those days, he does anything he can to make it better and help me through it.
- My Family - I have such and amazing family! They have all come together to be a support system for me. They have been chauffeurs, housekeepers, cooks, and even babysitters. I never went to a doctors appointment by myself, unless I wanted to. Matter of fact, I had to spread out my appts between them because everyone wanted to help! They even went as far as to set up a benefit garage sale to help me pay some of my medical bills! They gathered up stuff for days!! We even have enough stuff left over to have another sale!
- My Friends - I have awesome friends! They have been there every step of the way, from organizing fundraisers to shaving their heads!!! They are always there and ready to do anything they can to help, or to just lend an ear if I need it.
So I do know that I have SO much to be thankful for! Maybe having cancer isn't something you are actually thankful for, but it does make you truly appreciate everything that you do have.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Post 1
I was told I should blog to help me get my feelings out about being diagnosed with cancer, and going through treatments...
Let's start with CANCER SUCKS! Hows that for a thought...No this won't be an angry post were I do nothing but bitch. But ask anyone who has had to deal with cancer(themselves or family)...it freakin' sucks!
I will never forget the day that I was told I had cancer. How could you? It's the day your life changes forever. A million things run through your head. Why, being the most prominent question in my mind for several hours. Of course that one is followed up by it's friend, HOW? Then over the next few days you google as much information as you possibly can while you TRY to wrap your head around it.
Trying to tell your family and friends you have cancer is a whole new level of stress and problems. I know, I know, your family is your best support system! And mine is great! But trying to tell them the devastating news that you yourself are still processing isn't easy. I was in the doctors office by myself when I got the cancer diagnosis. I had not considered that cancer was a possibility, and went in alone. I kept it together and fought back the tears until I got in my car. Then the bottom fell out. I called Mark first. He was calm, and collected just like he always is. He listened to me "bawl and squall" and reassured me everything would be fine. I called my mom next. Same "bawling and squalling" and same amazing support.
Next came the battery of test. Scan upon scan. Enough blood work that I thought they may bleed me dry. And really, it was all a whirlwind. I really have to stop and think about the order all those test were in.
After the crazy testing we knew exactly what we were dealing with, Hodgkins Lymphoma. And from there my amazing oncologist laid out a game plan and we got to work. I will post later about each procedure, because honestly there are so many, and some so painful, that they deserve their own post, lol.
Game Plan...
--Chemo--
--Radiation--
I have already completed chemo, and start radiation next week. Again, they each deserve their own post. Plus, I have used all the energy I could muster up to post right now anyway, lol.
I am going to try to post at least once a week from now on....
Let's start with CANCER SUCKS! Hows that for a thought...No this won't be an angry post were I do nothing but bitch. But ask anyone who has had to deal with cancer(themselves or family)...it freakin' sucks!
I will never forget the day that I was told I had cancer. How could you? It's the day your life changes forever. A million things run through your head. Why, being the most prominent question in my mind for several hours. Of course that one is followed up by it's friend, HOW? Then over the next few days you google as much information as you possibly can while you TRY to wrap your head around it.
Trying to tell your family and friends you have cancer is a whole new level of stress and problems. I know, I know, your family is your best support system! And mine is great! But trying to tell them the devastating news that you yourself are still processing isn't easy. I was in the doctors office by myself when I got the cancer diagnosis. I had not considered that cancer was a possibility, and went in alone. I kept it together and fought back the tears until I got in my car. Then the bottom fell out. I called Mark first. He was calm, and collected just like he always is. He listened to me "bawl and squall" and reassured me everything would be fine. I called my mom next. Same "bawling and squalling" and same amazing support.
Next came the battery of test. Scan upon scan. Enough blood work that I thought they may bleed me dry. And really, it was all a whirlwind. I really have to stop and think about the order all those test were in.
After the crazy testing we knew exactly what we were dealing with, Hodgkins Lymphoma. And from there my amazing oncologist laid out a game plan and we got to work. I will post later about each procedure, because honestly there are so many, and some so painful, that they deserve their own post, lol.
Game Plan...
--Chemo--
--Radiation--
I have already completed chemo, and start radiation next week. Again, they each deserve their own post. Plus, I have used all the energy I could muster up to post right now anyway, lol.
I am going to try to post at least once a week from now on....
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